This week’s Craiglist Missed Connection section was a goldmine. So, we’ve got a couple of leftovers, starting with this one:

Missed Connection w/ Hipster D-Bag – Beacon’s Closet yesterday – w4m – 28 (williamsburg)

I was trying on shoes yesterday in Beacon’s Closet in Williamsburg when you approached me. Tall and lanky, wearing a too-short cardigan and too-tight jeans, you were too young for that old-man fedora on your head, and definitely too white for those vintage Cazals on your face (those are $500 glasses, trust fund much?). Having never been to Beacon’s Closet before, I thought maybe you were approaching me to ask if I needed help (a conceit that is probably causing regular Beacon’s shoppers howl with mirth at my naivete). But no, you had in fact come to scold me for the fact that I was sitting on a chair that was for sale, and of course you did it in the most scowling, attitude-laden, obnoxious way possible:

“Ummm, yyyeah, we don’t usually let people sit on furniture that’s for sale, cuz see, it tends to break.” And despite the fact that I immediately jumped up, apologized twice, explaining I hadn’t realized it was for sale (ummm, yyyyeah, stuff that’s for sale usually has a price tag, cuz see, otherwise people think it’s furniture), you continued to dolefully mutter your reproach while showily inspecting the chair for damage, as though you simply COULDN’T BELIEVE that my non-anorexic-hipster ass hadn’t immediately reduced the chair to splinters. I left you to your grimly determined inspection with a final apology, yet you continued to ice-grill me for the remainder of my time in the store. (Or, maybe you were just mad that I got to that vintage Fall t-shirt before you? I bet you’ve “totally been meaning to check them out” after reading about them on your favorite music blog!)

For the record, you just work in a shop. And if the legions of 15-year old socialite’s daughters and 22-year old art-school dropouts who shop there (and think your fedora is just the coolest, and don’t care that you paid $500 to wear the glasses of a 5-year-old retarded kid), have honestly convinced you that you are the shit, and can be rude to whoever, then you have been working in that shop for way too long. Tip: have you looked into grad school?

By the way, a white boy in Cazals? Congratulations, asshole. You are officially the hipster version of the white rasta!

Oh, and there’s more where that came from.